Tags
anti-depressants, authenticity, bombers, Gospel, Jesus, love, marriage equality, Transformation, vulnerability
I read the report this morning about the capture of the second marathon bomber.
I read yet another article on why marriage equality is a Christian concern.
I have personally had a significantly rough, and draining week.
And as I sit here on a clear, blue sky Saturday morning, I realize my heart is changing.
I don’t have any hate for the bombers. None. I think what they did is beyond horrible, but I have no hate for them. Jesus’ words about loving your enemy and praying for those who persecute you ring in my ears as I write this, and so I stop and pray for the one that is still alive, his family, the city of Boston, and all impacted.
I don’t have any hate or animosity or even weirdness for those who want marriage rights. I actually feel love. I’m really weary of the fighting, the “two team mentality.”
I watched The Perks of Being A Wallflower last night – a movie that deals with mental illness, emotional trauma, and a homosexual teen just trying to be himself. And I loved that movie. I felt compassion for the characters and those kinds of people they represent in the world.
Those who have made my week rough: I’m not even mad at them. I’m sad for them. I feel compassion for them too and I am praying for those who have persecuted me.
I spent the last few days oscillating between all four emotions – being mad, sad, happy, and scared. And I’ll be honest, if one more thing comes up, I’ll probably feel all four again, but they’ll dissipate just like yesterday’s have.
If I look back on this week, I experienced a love and support from my wife that brought me to tears and a deep sense of being loved. I had a dear friend tell me yesterday that he was sorry for what I was going through. He spent time with me in his easy and gentle way and we laughed a little over lunch and a beer. He had my back emotionally, and he made sure I didn’t scratch my dad’s 1985 Cadillac as I got my camper out of storage. I had another friend spend 45 minutes with me listening deeply, reflecting back to me, and helping me see some things about me. Another friend shared life with me for almost two hours and 3 cups of beautifully bold coffee. I had two other men in my church I respect and cherish call me yesterday to see how I was doing. I had texts galore of encouragement. My boys made me laugh a bunch over a pizza (and I didn’t even get mad that they forgot my banana peppers!).
My default response is being rewired. I’m not “cured” or “fixed” – I am being transformed. Sometimes it’s a little at a time, sometimes it’s a big jump. I’m being transformed by the love of Jesus.
But I want to make sure that you, the blog reader, know that this is hard work. It’s not happening magically as the sun peaks in on this Saturday morning.
It’s happening because…
I’m open to it
I have an authentic community of grace and truth
I practice reflecting on my life
I’m becoming more and more radically obedient
I’m learning and understanding the Gospel more clearly
I am trying to live into the design of God for life
I am, little by little, courageously being vulnerable in being myself
I do none of those perfectly.
But I’m working on it because I want to be whole and fully alive.
I am loving more and judging less, and that feels so good.
Vulnerability moment: the Wellbutrin probably helps a little too. But even seeing that on the screen, knowing people I know might read it takes a layer of that fake skin off.
I don’t know how to end this, but I’m going too, because I’m going to go live today.